Last post I wrote about how I thought life was about spending each breath, every moment. You spend things to get things in return. If you expect to get things in return, you want to optimise so you get the best things possible.
I was progressing on my music writing journey these past almost-two-week period, staying afloat if not swimmingly. Then, I hit a roadblock. I wrote a theme I and a theme II for a sonata. I wrote the exposition. Then, I had to write a transition, but no matter what I try and how, no matter which motif I choose and how I try to invert, augment, diminish, or convolute it, absolutely everything has started sounding trash garbage.
This happens to me all the time. Explore a new interest with no expectations. Reach approx. day 10, feel good about yourself. Expect. Then, be utterly and shockingly dissatisfied with everything and give up before the third week rolls around. I'm tired of this. What's the point....
I know it's a made-up judgement in my mind. As soon as I attach any degree of "worth" to anything, suddenly it becomes "not good enough". I don't even think what I wrote sounds bad; it's just not good enough. What even is good enough in music, which is highly subjective and infinite? And in life?
My mind is stuck in a reference frame of max(f(x, y, z, t)), and so every direction I look in—comparing this reference to f(x,y,z,t)—is downhill. Everything I see is just ... worse. Everywhere I see is worse. The grass is never greener; it was greener, and I cannot imagine it even being green.
Debilitating perfectionism and attaching a 'value' to breathing are a terrible combination.
Further, more.
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