My Definitions are Incorrect

The असन्तोषी I was wondering about the relationship between कृतज्ञता and सन्तोष​. I thought that universal gratitude was equivalent to Yoga’s ईश्वरप्रणिधान​, while सन्तोष​ came from the knowledge of expending enough effort. So, I checked Vyāsa’s commentary (II.32). He says: ईश्वरप्रणिधानं परमगुरौ सर्वकर्मार्पणम् and सन्तोषः सन्निहितसाधनादधिकस्यानुपादित्सा. Turns out, I was very wrong.

Any कार्य is कृत by a कर्ता. One who knows that a कार्य is कृत​ by a कर्ता is कृतज्ञ, and the state of knowing such कार्यकारणभाव​s is कृतज्ञता. At least, that is my understanding. From what little I have read about Nyāya so far, ईश्वर is approximately a lumped पदार्थ​ for unknown causes, which exists to satisfy the assumption of universal causality. So, since universal gratitude would be equivalent to acknowledging the chain of causes until you reach the limit of your knowledge (“Ah, this is how things came to me.”), I thought that universal gratitude is also equivalent to ईश्वरप्रणिधान. Vyāsa, however, describes it as परमगुरौ सर्वकर्मार्पणम्. अर्पण​ has a very different flavour, in my opinion, compared to just acknowledgement. The offering of all effort hints more at फलत्याग​ than कृतज्ञान​.

Secondly, I thought सन्तोष​ was satisfaction with one’s effort. So, if I perform to the level I expect, I should feel सन्तुष्ट​; and, in contrast, if I am unable to perform to the level I expect, I feel discontent. Perhaps you have caught hold of the crux of this write-up already. Vyāsa, on the other hand, simply states that contentment is सन्निहितसाधनादधिकस्यानुपादित्सा, or [नञ् उप आङ् दा सन् टाप्] not expecting in excess of the resources at hand. This definition suggests that my insufferable असन्तोष​ might be due to overexpectation… or a misevaluation of how much I have to work with.

So, then, the next objective is to characterise my constant overexpectation about things. My initial guess is that it stems from a misplaced, self-contradictory कृतिसाध्यताज्ञान. It is self-contradictory because I have attributed the cause of perfection-driven procrastination to the lack of कृतिसाध्यताज्ञान. Sigh ~

Further, more.

Nope. Don't Give a Perfectionist an Objective

Last post I wrote about how I thought life was about spending each breath, every moment. You spend things to get things in return. If you expect to get things in return, you want to optimise so you get the best things possible.

I was progressing on my music writing journey these past almost-two-week period, staying afloat if not swimmingly. Then, I hit a roadblock. I wrote a theme I and a theme II for a sonata. I wrote the exposition. Then, I had to write a transition, but no matter what I try and how, no matter which motif I choose and how I try to invert, augment, diminish, or convolute it, absolutely everything has started sounding trash garbage.

This happens to me all the time. Explore a new interest with no expectations. Reach approx. day 10, feel good about yourself. Expect. Then, be utterly and shockingly dissatisfied with everything and give up before the third week rolls around. I'm tired of this. What's the point....

I know it's a made-up judgement in my mind. As soon as I attach any degree of "worth" to anything, suddenly it becomes "not good enough". I don't even think what I wrote sounds bad; it's just not good enough. What even is good enough in music, which is highly subjective and infinite? And in life?

My mind is stuck in a reference frame of max(f(x, y, z, t)), and so every direction I look in—comparing this reference to f(x,y,z,t)—is downhill. Everything I see is just ... worse. Everywhere I see is worse. The grass is never greener; it was greener, and I cannot imagine it even being green.

Debilitating perfectionism and attaching a 'value' to breathing are a terrible combination.

Further, more.

Spend vs Consume

    Mattresses in the US make little sense to me. They are very thick and inflexible. Above all, they're needlessly expensive, and not really durable. A firm mattress would cost you close to $300; that is, a mattress that is a foot thick, has stiff springs added into it to make it firm, and which will eventually start sagging in the middle since humans tend to be human-shaped, not 6'×3' rectangles). Instead, I just use a thick comforter and ✨the floor✨—the thing that's there by default, is firm, doesn't sag, and needs no additional bedframe. I find it more comfortable. I tell myself it keeps me more grounded.

    As I was laying on the floor yesternight, wondering why it was 1 am on a Monday instead of Friday afternoon as it was about an hour ago, I got a bit of insight about which I felt like writing. Usually I write to get things off my mind, but I hope this is something I come back to when necessary. Now, I know what happened this weekend, and why it happened, and I have the memory of it happening. It was a whole lot of trying to compose a sonatina, and sharpening a knife for unrelated reasons. I was doing things that I think I like to do, indulging my hobbies and whatnot, taking a break from work and work-related things for the weekend, and so on... EXCEPT I still very much felt cheated out of my weekend!

    The thing with hyperfixations is that they snatch time away from you. Sure, you can get a lot of things done in a short time very efficiently, but the nature of hyperfixations is such that they don't really give you an option to do much else. "But isn't fixating on something you like 'good'?" I asked myself, to which I replied that that was what I had thought to be the case. My unsleeping horizontalness was clear evidence that it was not. I sharpened my knife because the annoyance of it slipping off a shallot drove me to do so. I don't quite know yet why I dove this hard into music, though I do like it. Clearly, I don't have full control over that spirit of exploration. This weekend was consumed by activities like these. "'Spending' time vs 'consuming' time" was the insightful phrase that popped into my head at that moment.

    To spend a resource, you must acknowledge your agency in using that resource. A resource can get consumed in any way. It reminded me of the following excerpt from the Gītā (BG4.29–30):

अपाने जुह्वति प्राणं प्राणेऽपानं तथापरे ।

...

सर्वेऽप्येते यज्ञविदो यज्ञक्षपितकल्मषाः।

यज्ञशिष्टामृतभुजो यान्ति ब्रह्म सनातनम्॥ ४.३०

It talks about the different ways of 'sacrifice', stating that some people offer their inhales to their exhales, or the other way around, and so on. All these knowers of sacrifice, cleansed of flaws by sacrifice, having experienced the fruits of the sacrifice go to the timeless Absolute [or however you choose to translate it]. I think 'sacrifice' has become too tangled with religiosity or "spirituality" (in quotations, because spirituality itself has a funky connotation (though I think spirituality is a good connotation in this case)) for it to be relatable in one's day-to-day (or, at least, my day-to-day). What is the difference between sacrificing something and spending something? Apart from the connotations, that is. Sacrifice sounds grand, heroic, sometimes sad. 'Spend' is blasé.  Inhales and exhales—breathing air isn't something typically thought of as a resource, though. With all that connotation, 'sacrificing' inhales and exhales leads to a weird juxtaposition. I mean, if you think about it enough, I think it leads to a similar conclusion; so, it's not a big deal, but still, the connotation adds (in my opinion) unnecessary things into the mix. 'Sacrifice' perhaps makes it sound too important, and that hinders people like me with anxious traps of overthinking. If you want to think about how every breath is a priceless gift bestowed upon you by divine grace, go ahead; that, I think, is a valid interpretation—just one that is not helpful to me; otherworldliness itself is a cozy escape from reality.

    Spending, on the other hand, is more accessible. You spend money to buy groceries, spend  time cooking, and so on. Isn't that essentially the same as 'sacrificing'? Doing anything means you're not doing something else. Doing is also sacrifice. So, a more accessible way is to spend time and effort, you know, making it worth it. I think this is the same as phrases like "write to kill" (from Ikoku Nikki) or "attack with killer intent"—trying your best to make it worth it. Thinking of 'spending inhales and exhales', then, forces one to answer why they are worth the oxygen they breathe. It forces deliberate conscious existence.

    As usual, this is a "first draft" with no editing. I know I'm rambling, and I want to ramble more (but at a later time). I think the BG Chapter 4 has many nuggets and specs of wisdom, and unlocking them apparently requires life-experience or insight. I have another interpretation of the second half of the famous karmaṇy'evā'dhikāraste verse which I have written elsewhere about. Perhaps, I'll post that here some day.

    Further, more.

Edit: wanted to add the clarification that I know 4.29–30 is often linked mainly to Prāṇāyāma, but my focus in this interpretation is on treating it as an intention-setting exercise (yajña) on top of the breathing.

Motivic, Not Motivated

    I've done a major chunk of the work I needed to do to start wrapping things up in my present situation, so I've had some time to myself. This has been taken up by diving into studying music—theory, composition, perhaps one day production.

    Music offers an endlessly novel playfield to keep me interested. Recently, I tried writing a poem about novelty, specifically about how my relationship with it feels ruinous. Music offers a partial solution there, methinks.

    I started a 100-day challenge where I try making random ≥ 8-bar compositions. Days 1 & 2 felt terrible, because I was finding it hard to tolerate repeating anything, even motifs which are supposed to be repeated. When watching videos about the craft stressing the importance of repetition to keep things auditorily coherent, in my mind, repetition is still infinitely boring and "not enough". So, I tried that, and it sounded like what it was: a bunch of notes over a complicated harmonic progression—not music.

    A big part of learning music is analysis. I've been actively listening a lot. Fortunately, the breadth of my music taste helps. I can just hit shuffle on my liked songs, and not get stuck in any genre. It was mildly surprising to me to see how much repetition there is in all the pieces I like. You can't develop a musical idea without establishing it first through repetition. You cannot appreciate themes and variations unless there's repetition. Now isn't that a metaphor for life—on a solid, robust foundation built by repetition, appreciating the incremental changes? You need to establish a musical frame of reference, like the tonic of the key you're in. To demonstrate any change, you need to know what the baseline situation is. But the baseline is determined by repetition.

    One (=my mind) may ask, "Why? Just do whatever for long enough and use the average as the baseline." If your baseline changes wildly with ever new data point, your Δ will average to zero. An average of zero is "no significant change". And here comes the shocker—"no significant change" for a long time isn't exactly novel either, it gets characterised (by the same culprit) as "bad". Sigh~~

    So, studying music is slowly showing me the pratyakṣa benefits of repetition. Of course, easier said that done; but, it does fit into the format of śravaṇa-manana-nididhyāsana. Nididhyāsa is something I've not been able to consciously demonstrate kṛtisādhyatā for. Unconsciously, I have, like the "repetition bad, only novelty always good" idea.

    I wonder if a full cup needs emptying before refilling with what you want, or can the new thing displace the old thing directly. I wonder if "should" is the opposite of whimsy.

    Further, further.

Just Keep Swimming

I read manga. That's in the past tense, by the way. I haven't had much time to do so, nowadays. When I do indulge myself on a dreary weeknight after a stressful day, I find myself going back to the series I enjoyed a lot—mostly Tokyo Ghoul, appreciating the foreshadowing of the events that unfold which had, when I first read it, caught me by surprise.

That's how I am looking at this blog today. Qualitatively and subjectively, I am no different than how I was in 2020. If the last half-decade were a Silksong theme, it'd be Greymoor. There's a stagnation that has enveloped my life. Reading back through my posts dating 2019, 2015, 2020 randomly, I see the unhealthy patterns that plague my mind today present years back; only that they were not obviously harmful or sometimes enabled. Since then I have been plucked by the current of "the way the world usually works", removed from my accommodating substrata, and am lost in the deep ocean. Sounds very dramatic, like Dory's story from Finding Nemo; except, Dory had initiative.

If any behaviour has been trained into my mind, it is chasing interests; and unfortunately, these interests have never been constant, coming and going. I see them, I chase them, like a dog chasing a squirrel. I am a sailing vessel on the open seas, going wherever the wind feels like taking me... or abandoning me. The trade winds have left me in the doldrums.

Of course, I'd like to do what I want to do. There are two hurdles: One is getting out of the present situation, and the second is figuring out what it is that I want to do. When chasing interests bore no fruit, my minds instinct wasn't the spiritual realisation that chasing interests is ultimately futile. It concluded that I wasn't chasing enough. The problem with that is that the size of your sails matters none at all if there is no wind. To get out, I have to row my way out, and I have no oar. I have but the direction of home, so I've to get back there. However tempting to the mind it may be to be a doldrum-faring Robinson Crusoe, it's prudent to remember that he survived because Providence landed him on an island.

Movies often cut from the shipwrecking storm to the protagonists being washed ashore. It'd feel nice to sometimes have that option available. But the movie's like Life of Pi, and I don't have a Richard Parker. I have me, my mind that I've to deal with, and my body which feels heavier and heavier with the ticking of the tempus constrictor.

As 'usual', all posts on this blog are first drafts with zero revisions. I did use this blog relatively continuously (now that I have dwarfed all previous 'breaks' with this 6-year one) from 2015 to 2020, which were important formative years. So, it makes sense to continue posting here. I did briefly move to Instagram and then Tumblr, but there are eyes there. They're there here, too, but the ones here feel more like my eyes. This is a first (post in a while), so I don't know how it's gonna go from here on out. I don't even know, and I highly doubt, if anyone else even notices or remembers this back pocket of the internet from over a decade ago.

If there is anything to learn from Dory, it is to just keep swimming.

Further, further.

The Clock won't Let me Dream

Whoa, it's been almost 4 months already. Time really flies when you are staying home so much.

So, why am I here again to vent about life? Simple: the online lectures I was attending are coming to an end. My socially-acceptable brain fodder is running low, and the usual escape to anime is hindered by limited internet. So, my "free" time is divided between "lazing" around and reading manga—not a very good thing when there's a long list of pending difficult tasks. A brief picture: it is everything involved in moving to a new place for graduate studies.

Moving to a new place as an adult implies that you [the adult] have to manage your accommodation etc. by yourself. Every day I lay in wait of e-mails, which may give more information and actually be helpful, or give vaguer descriptions than before, or worse, inform of non-availability. I also need to book the means of transportation. In addition to the shocking prices given the proximity to Christmas, who would've thought a one-year-old bundle of RNA packed in some protein would ground the world (or greatly limit my options, at least).

Online education is no match for "the old times". The faculty did a great job, no doubt in that. However, not meeting like-minded classmates and getting the feel of learning, along with the brain's logistic associations, like walking into the classroom and setting your notebook on the desk, have had their toll. Personally, I'd like this "toll" to appear as white hair because one of my favourite characters [Kaneki] has white hair. Instead, all this stress is internal. * exhales sharply *

The upcoming restless challenges follow the end of classes. My major source of motivation is gone. That made me realise that my source of motivation has been too short-term. I need to think longer-term, rather, I must, to get through graduate school (based on others' accounts assimilated from Twitter). A distinguished professor's words constantly come to mind: just smile. "Tackle the problem and it will go away." Something as simple as this offers solace in these blurry times decided by factors outside your control.

Writing is an awesome tool to organise your thoughts. I've come back to it after apparent breaks time and again, and will keep doing so. However, I have tried snd failed to keep up with a calendar—sometimes, you just don't have much to say. Will those uneventful moments going to disappear from memory? No point wondering about that now—I'm sure it will come up in some dreaded retrospective introspection sessions.

On the brighter (even darker) side, I won't (have an excuse) need to stay awake late in the night anymore. Maybe I should try correcting my sleep schedule again. I've been sleeping in a weird biphasic cycle which means my afternoons are dedicated to sleep or extreme grogginess, way beyond the point of being innocent "afternoon naps". Shorter continuous sleep times mean I don't get to see dreams, and I wanna dream again!! My dreams are often amazing when I do actually dream. That gives me an idea: my next posts could be (or include) my recollections of some interesting dreams. I tend to type them out in detail before I forgot—if I see a fricking dream, that is.

Welp, I've ranted enough for now. Further more!